"A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight." -Unknown
Both of these examples are important lessons to learn. It brings up an interesting quandary. Which one of these maxims is the most appropriate?
Both are important to remember. I don't think it is wise to separate one from the other, even though their messages are different. In everything, balance must exist. You must be able to trust the people around you. You must trust them with your feelings, your secrets, your wants and desires. However, a friend in disguise is the worst thing that can happen to a person. We all know where those come from. That person in your circle who brings you down more than lifts you up can wreck havoc over your life, especially if you allow them to influence you.
That is not saying that there won't be contentious moments in that friendship. That's almost impossible, especially with friends that are stubborn or highly opinionated. But even in those situations, a true friendship can survive and thrive.
But at what point do you decide if a friendship is more toxic than beneficial? Another maxim states that the five people closest to you are what you will become. And that's basically true. While individual choices are the foundation of what you will become, your closest people have to be on board with support. Since no man is an island, you will become only what you and your support circle have the potential for. The problem is, different issues arise when looking at those five people. Recently, I had a sit down with a mentor to hash out my experiences and help me plan my life out. I'm a recent college grad, so pondering the future is the most important thought in my mind. I was told to explain my successes and failures. I had to look at those around me and make proper decisions. It sounds terrible, but I had to look at the people I spent the most time with, and decide from what I know about them, if they will be beneficial to me here on out. I fully acknowledge that has probably happened to me, and that's why I don't hear from some I thought I would, and I fully accept that. Every person is in charge of their ship, and if there's someone on the crew that can get you off course, you do have to lose dead weight. I don't blame them at all, do you and all that.
My issue is I let length of the relationship, among other things, stop me from really looking at relationships that were toxic. I kept a person in the crew that I've known is not a person I should keep talking to, and just slightly detached from that person, thinking that if we didn't kick it for a second, the dynamic would improve. That was a VERY bad move. I'm not going to begin and claim that this person didn't provide friendship. Quite the opposite. But the problem is, their flaw, which I've known forever but let slide to keep the ship steady, only gets larger and larger until it actually suffocates what little of a friendship we had less. I didn't even want to end the friendship, but with more thought, this flaw of a friend was at my personal expense. When you deal with people who must demean you to make themselves feel better, that's not a friend, regardless of what other benefits of friendship is given. It ended up getting turned on me. When I let this person know that the action would no longer be tolerated, this person got their feelings hurt.
With more thought on the transgressions, I searched out council from one who has provided proper support and given this person is a common acquaintance, I was schooled that I have to just leave this person behind. Dissolving a friendship this long is worse than losing a relationship, mostly because a friendship that long you think you'll keep forever, but that's just time messing with your head. Don't let that crab in the bucket put you down and keep you down. To progress and grow, you have to separate from things and people that hold you back. So watch who you put in your crew. They can either build you up or tear you down.
